dictation's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- \"some are friendly, some are cutting, some are watching it from the wings, some are standing in the center giving to get something.\" The people part of the workplace has been frustrating and uncomfortable of late. The work part has been enormously challenging and satisfying. I've developed what I think is a hot hot product that many clients will appreciate. I've received the blessings of two economists and some very positive responses from a number of people whose opinion matters (not just to me). Still all is not peachy at the workplace...and this doesn't seem right. It's been an intense couple of weeks. Filled with personal achievement, strange vibes, tense co-workers, and bizarre protocol breakdowns. I'm proud, my self-esteem's up a notch. And yet I'm also anxious, frustrated and confused. I'm more impatient than usual with the gossips and the lazy incompetent people who are threatened by genuine workers. I'm tired. I tell myself I could care less, but that's never true. My body is crying out for attention - the gym, meditation and yoga - and I'm ignoring it. (I've always been more cerebral than physical. If I could ditch the body, I would.) Instead of taking care of myself, I sit in front of my computer for hours and hours on end transfixed by my latest project. I'm beginning to wonder if I might be ADD. I am acutely aware that I seem too intense to others, that I'm a bit of a whirling dervish. I sense this is irritating. I endeavor to appear more relaxed, to keep my mouth clamped shut, to make other people feel more at ease. It's hard - partly because I don't want to and I don't want to have to care about their discomfort vis a vis me - and I'm not very skilled at pretense. The big boss (not my immediate boss) appears to have lost his way with the protocol part of the work place. I think it's because he doesn't care about the staff, never has, although he talks a blue streak about caring. It's a big part of his religious doctrine. I'm losing it for the guy and can barely conceal my contempt. He may be an upstanding citizen, he may wear a suit and say all the right things in a monotone that betrays no bias or emotion. He's as masked a person as I've ever seen. So yeah. Lots going on. And as always, I must remain vague and not reveal anything that will identify me or workplace specifically...because who knows who may be reading. (I am sooooooo tired of that.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tina had plaster casts made of her feet today! The Sanctuary is arranging to have special shoes made for her. These will be like water shoes; lightweight and airy. The bottoms will have a thin rubber sole to protect her tender pads. The sides will be of breathable mesh material that clings to her feet like booties. If we design this shoe properly she will be able to navigate throughout the habitat, in the ponds, streams and mud wallows, without difficulty or pain. Hopefully these shoes will bring her relief while walking so that she will finally begin to explore her surrounding.Imagine, if you will, elephant shoes. Designed to assist healing. I watched the activity on the elecam this morning as I got ready for work. Tina, patient as a lamb, snarfed down hand-fed treats while technicians applied blue guck to her tootsies and ankles, such as they are. Not a sweeter sight on the planet. I can't wait to see Tina explore. But she's afraid and her feet are vulnerable. Eventually she'll get there. There's no question she's content. And happy, in a distinctly new way. People will say she was happy at the zoo, but I didn't see that in Tina. She'd grown accustomed to her life there and certainly she was loved by specific people - none of them with any authority to spend money on her care. And Tina loved specific people at the zoo. All of that is well and fine and has merit. But Sanctuary love is different. It's not merely emotional, well meaning and hopeful. It's not about making promises and taking forever to deliver. It's not about putting meaningful care off until tomorrow. In every photo Tina appears deeply relaxed, almost innebriated looking. Like she can't believe her good fortune. Like this one. Drunk on Sanctuary life. What elephant would resist imbibing that! Love is action, baby. Talk is cheap. 10:18 p.m. - 09 June 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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